Stories!

[Zerila]

I wrote some really short, not-very-great stories a while back, on the Allakhazam Beastmaster forums, and I decided to re-post them here, so you can enjoy/laugh at/tease me about them ^^;;

I posted the first of the "Gustav Goblins" Trilogy a while back, but never did the other two. So, without further ado, I present the second of the series, titled "Why I Can Never Go Back to Gustav Tunnel..." (this one inspired another poster to make a comic, found here).
Please enjoy!

Why I can never go back to Gustav Tunnel...

Ok, so true story!
A while ago, I wrote a story about my adventures killing goblin's leeches in Gustav tunnel (linky). I've leveled up a bit since then, so I decided to return to Gustav and revisit my old pals Hansblix and Boblix. These guys would have seriously mopped the floor with me last time I was here, but I've gotten quite a bit stronger since then. Also, the Robber Crabs in the area are charmable now, and make pretty good pets against goblins.

So I change into my charming gear and sneak up to the nearest crab. Using my Beastly skills of persuasion, I convince the poor dumb thing that there is nothing it would rather do then get the crap beat out of it by the local goblin population on my behalf. Spotting a lone goblin beastmaster off in the distance, I cautiously approach.It's Boblix, my old buddy from my leech-killing days. I see him pop a leech jug (where does he get those, anyway? I want some!). His back is turned to me, and I just can't resist! I send my hypnotized pet over, and it makes quick work of Boblix's pet leach. Boblix turns around just as his leach dies.

Boblix: "What the heck! ah, great! I's you again. I thought we chased you off last time!"
Zerila: "Well, I'm back! I've gotten stronger, so I thought I'd come back for a rematch!"
Boblix: "Fine, whatever! Just! please! Stop killing my pets! Those jugs are expensive!"
Zerila: "Ok, ok, sorry. I just thought it was funny. You ready?"
Boblix: *sigh* "Fine! let's do this thing!"
Zerila: "Go get him, crab pet!"

My crab scuttles off to start beating on Boblix. I spring into action, franticly hopping around on one foot while tugging off one of my boots. As the boot comes off, I notice a distinct lack of fighting noises. I glance up and see both my pet crab and the goblin staring at me in astonishment.

Boblix: "Uh! what the heck are you doing? Why are you taking your boots off? I thought we were going to fight!"
Zerila: "Those are my AF boots; I only use them for charming pets. I need to change into my battle gear."

Standing barefoot on the cold floor, I pull off my gloves, and then change my rings for a couple of different ones. Then I root around in my gobbiebag for a different pair of gloves.

Boblix: "What, seriously? In the middle of a fight?"
Zerila: "Um! yeah. Just! you two go on without me, I'll only be a minute"
Boblix: "Changing clothes in the middle of a fight? Jeeze, you adventurers are crazy."

I get finished pulling my gloves on, but my crab and Boblix are still just staring at me. It's starting to make me uncomfortable.

Zerila: "Umm! would you mind turning around for a sec?"
Boblix: "What?! Why in the world would I do that?"
Zerila: "Well, you see! I need to change my pants."
Boblix, staring in disbelief: "! your pants! this has got to be a joke! Did Hansblix put you up to this?"
Zerila: "No, really! You see, I fight much better in these pants right here!"

I take the pants out and hold them up so he could see them.

Boblix: "No way! I'm not going to turn around! What kind of an idiot do you take me for? If I turn around, you're going to whack me in the head with that axe of yours!"
Zerila: "No, I won't! I just want to change into my battle pants! Honestly!"
Boblix: "Well, I ain't turning around!"
Zerila: "But! I can't change with you watching!"
Boblix: "Ah, nuts to this!"

Boblix sheathed his axe and stalked away, muttering something about "stupid adventurers, interrupting a battle for a wardrobe change" as he went. I stood there, holding my pants and feeling a little stupid. I notice that my crab is still staring at me.

Zerila: "You! still love me, don't you Robber Crab?"
*Robber Crab is no longer charmed*
*Robber Crab dies of shame*

Well, that's it. That's the true story of how I completely humiliated myself in Gustav Tunnel, and why I can never go back.

[Zerila]

Here is Part 3 of the trilogy, with the nice title YAZS (Yet Another Zerila Story), which I did in third-person instead of my normal script style

________

Outside, there was a cool breeze that brought the scent of the sea. The sun shone through the palm-fronds to warm the white sands below. The small puffball clouds scattered across the sky moved slowly, like sleepy sheep. All in all, it was a very pleasant day in Valkurm Dunes.

But this wasn't Valkurm. It was Gustav Tunnel, which was reachable by a small, nearly hidden cave near an otherwise pleasant beach. Gustav tunnel is probably about as opposite to "warm, sunny and pleasant" as it is possible to get. It was cold. It was dank and musty. The air was still and stank of goblins' athlete's foot. And, for some reason, a young mithra was skulking through these fetid depths, rather than frolicking out on the beach like any sane creature would rather be doing.

"I must be crazy," Zerila thought, as she crept through the unpleasantness surrounding her. "It's not like the last time I was here things ended well."

Once again, she found herself in the lower levels of Gustav, invisible (thanks to a little Ninjutsu called Tonko) and hauling a lizard pet behind her. She had finally found what she was looking for: A goblin with a pet leech. The goblin was staring stupidly at a wall, apparently dozing on its feet. It was the perfect opportunity to attack.

She sent a mental command to her pet lizard, which obediently charged forward and attacked the Goblin's pet leech. Zerila didn't wait around to see what happened; she was already running back to the "safe" area, a sloping tunnel that lead to the upper levels of Gustav and, eventually, the Valkurm Dunes. Once she got to the safe spot, she sent another mental command to her pet, telling it to ignore the leech trying to suction off its face and to come back to her location.

After a moment, she caught sight of her pet lizard running frantically back to her, the goblin's pet leech hopping along behind it in a murderous rage. And behind the leech, the shadowy figure of a Goblin Shepard, bellowing in fury and waving his axe over his head.

The lizard could take out a leech pet with no problems, but not a leech and its master at the same time.

"Oh, great," Zerila said, and sheathed her katana. She'd have to run for it. She issued yet another command to her lizard pet to stay where it was, which should buy her some time. She turned to start running... and nearly ran into another goblin with a pet leech standing right behind her.

"Hiya!" the goblin said. "Long time, no see, huh?"

Zerila recognized this goblin. She'd tussled with him a couple times before.

"Er... Hi yourself, Boblix. How's it going?"

"Oh, pretty good. In fact, this is a pretty great day for me!"

"Why is that?" Zerila asked, trying to edge around him.

"Well, you know," Boblix said, casually blocking her way again, "I was just wandering around like usual, doing my normal, boring routine, when I saw something a little odd. D'you know what that was?"

"I've got no idea."

Zerila tried to ignore the sound of her pet lizard getting massacred behind her. She had more pressing concerns at the moment. Especially since Boblix had just drawn his axe and was idly running his warty thumb over the extremely sharp-looking edge.

"Well, there I was, see, when suddenly I see this lizard running around in the distance. It was acting pretty oddly, you know? Lizards don't come down here. They stay topside, you know? In the upper tunnels. So I thought to myself, 'Hey, when's the last time I saw a lizard down here?' and suddenly it clicked. The last time was when a certain Beastmaster-in-training came down here to slaughter my leech jug pets for experience."

"Ya don't say!" Zerila said, moving slightly sideways.

"It's true!" Boblix replied, moving to block her path yet again. "I've really been looking forward to meeting you again. I wanted to have a little... talk. About you killing my leech pets, and all."

"Oh..."

Boblix peered off into the distance for a moment. "Well, it looks like my buddy Hansblix is just about done with your little pet lizard and will be joining us soon. Before we get started, can I just ask one question?"

"Um, sure..."

"What are you doing back here again? And why lizards? Last time you charmed a crab"

"Oh, that's easy. I'm a Ninja now, and those crabs are too high a level for me to charm."

"Don't be stupid. Ninjas can't charm things."

"They can if they sub Beastmaster!"

"Huh? Ohh... Oh, I get it! So, basically what your saying is that you're low level again, and that you can't do anything to stop me from carving the price of all those leech jug pets you killed out of your scrawny hide, right?"

"Um, I guess."

Boblix started laughing hysterically. The other Goblin and his pet leech came charging up at this point, covered in lizard blood. Hansblix, axe raised for a first strike, stopped and stared at Boblix for a moment.

"What's so damned funny?" he demanded

"Oh, you'll never guess! This mithra here?"

"Yeah?" said Hansblix

"She's a Ninja right now!"

"No!"

"Yes."

There was a pause as Hansblix looked Zerila over.

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"What, she's doing that Beastmaster subjob thing? She's not level 75 anymore?"

"That's right!"

Both Goblins started laughing now. Hansblix moved past the slightly offended mithra ninja and started clapping Boblix on the shoulder, both of them laughing like lunatics. Finally, the laughter died down, and they both turned back to Zerila with murder in their bloodshot eyes.

"This is going to be fun!" Hansblix said.

"Damned straight!" Boblix replied

The tunnel was now completely blocked by Goblins and pet leeches. Zerila sighed in resignation.

"Well," she said, "I guess I have no choice but to fight."

Somehow she could tell the Goblins were smirking at her from behind their masks. Even the pet leeches seemed to be smirking. The Goblins readied their axes, and the mithra drew her katana.

"You ready for this?" Boblix asked her.

"Yeah. Are you?" Zerila replied

"Oh, I think so," he said, and charged at her, axe raised overhead. Hansblix was one step behind him.

"I really doubt it." Zerila said, "Take this!"

She took a deep breath, held it for a moment, and then shouted: "Mijin Gakure!"

And then she exploded.

The force of the blast stopped the Goblins in their tracks. Little wisps of smoke rose from the goblin's armor. They both stood there for a long moment, staring at the smoking crater where the ninja had been standing just a few seconds earlier.

"Well, that was unexpected and disappointing," Boblix said finally

"Yeah," said Hansblix. "Uh, Boblix?"

"Yeah?"

"You got some ninja on you."


Epilogue: After muttering and cursing for a while, the Goblins finally moved back to their starting places. A few minutes later, a golden light appeared and revealed a perfectly intact mithra ninja.

"Gotta love that reraise earring!" she said, then quickly cast Tonko on herself and got the heck out of Gustav for the last time.

Or, at least, she hoped it would be the last time...

THE END?!

[Zerila]

Here is my third story, which is a movie trailer.
_______________________
I found this link on the Leech job message board, sandwiched between a post on the how-to's of linking and the 35-page LEECH SUXX thread. Apparently, the leeches are making a movie.

Here is a transcript of the trailer. I guess it's due for a Halloween release. Enjoy!

---------------------------------------------------

Voiceover: It seems like an ordinary day...

[Fade in, a bunch of young leeches are having a party]

Voiceover: But today...

[Close up on two leeches]

Leech 1: Hey, have you seen Tom?
Leech 2: No, maybe I should go look for him

[Leech 2 wanders away from the crowd]

Voiceover: Today...

[Leech 2 spots another Leech in the shadowy distance]
Leech 2: Tom? Tom is that you?

Voiceover: ... is anything...

[Leech 2 moves closer to the shadowy figure, which starts moving slowly towards him]
Leech 2: Tom? What's wrong?

Voiceover ... but ordinary

[Tom, a glazed look in his eye, viciously attacks Leech 2]

Leech 2: Aaaaugh! Tom! Why?! AAAAAAAARGH!!

[Leech 2 dies a horrible death, cue suspenseful music]

Voiceover: This Halloween, there is a new kind of fear

[Random shots of glazed-eyed leeches attacking other leeches]

Voiceover: This Halloween, you won't know who to trust

[Shot of two Leeches moving down a dark, spooky hallway, both looking scared. Suddenly, one of them begins attacking the other one with no warning]

Voiceover: There is a new name for terror...

[Montage of Leeches screaming, bouncing frantically down hallways, etc.]

Voiceover: There is a new face of horror...

[scene of a Leech backing slowly away from an advancing, glazed-eyed Leech when SUDDENLY a dark, shadowy figure with horns and an axe looms out of the darkness behind it. Shot of the axe descending]

[Musical sting, Fade to black. Movie title appears,]

Beastmaster

[Title begins dripping blood, creepy music plays]
---------------------------------------------------

I may have to catch it, if I can avoid getting linked on at the theater.

[Zerila]

Those are some long posts... Sorry! But I hope you all get some enjoyment out of them. The writing project that I was talking about earlier won't be anything like these, they'll be a lot more serious and, hopefully, a lot better written. These were just quick little posts I did for fun and my own amusement

[Ryudei]

Somebody spends a little bit toooo much time in Gustav it would seem 

Entertaining reads fo sho!  Gimme MOAR!

[Ennaor]

you forgot to add the leech squishy sound effects in the movie trailer script.  you know the sound like you have a hole in your shoe and your show is wet from walking in the rain then you step on linoleum?  The squishy rubber shoe sound!

[Zerila]

Gah, the sounds of leeches... That will haunt my dreams until the day I die!

Shaplorp! Shaplorp!